Should couples go to therapy?
Should couples go to therapy?
Choosing to go to couples counseling can make a very big
step. It involves recognizing that things are not perfect in your partnership,
which are often difficult to implement and frightening to recognize. If you are
not particularly familiar with what the treatment is, you may feel ambiguous
and confused, not to mention that it may require considerable effort - finding
a suitable provider, identifying insurance and other financial aspects of the
obligation, and reaching the time to fit everyone's schedule. The idea of
seeing a marriage or couples therapist often lies in the back burner, where
one or both parties think it may be a good idea, but also feel uncertain how to
proceed - and whether their specific problems can actually be helped.
To help demystify the process, I outlined some common
problems that suggest that a couple may benefit from seeing someone. It is
important to remember that most therapists, for couples and individuals alike,
offer a copy of the free consultation to let you decide whether they are right
for you or not. Don't be afraid to communicate and ask questions - the better,
the better, even if it's not a good game, you can go ahead.
1. Trust has been broken.
One of the most common reasons for seeking couples therapy
is the need for help to overcome a major breach of trust. Perhaps it was
betrayal in the form of sex. Maybe it was an affair. Maybe it was a series of
lies or deceit about money. In any case, the foundation of trust can often be
rebuilt by creating a forum in which both parties are free to express their
weakness.
2. Arguments are getting more frequent.
Do you notice that the rhythm of your daily life turns into
a more conflict-oriented feeling? They may all be “small” arguments, or the
explosions are huge and leave a lot of drama in their wake. In either case, the
pattern of increase is important. This may be a flash on the screen, as one of
you is going through something difficult personally. But it can also point to a
risky path in ongoing debate. More importantly, it can indicate significant
problems below the surface that are not really dealt with.
3. Communication is poor.
Public conflict may not be the problem, but you constantly
feel misunderstood or ignored. Or you may feel like you don't have a good idea
of what's going on with your partner recently emotionally; he or she may be a
stranger. Often, one of the most tangible results of couples therapy is an
increase in communication, and a significant improvement in its quality. A
skilled counselor can equip you with tools that will help you communicate, hear
and understand each other better on a daily basis.
4. There is definitely something wrong, but you are not sure why or why.
As with individual therapy, couples therapy is sometimes
useful not only for solving problems, but also for identifying them. Let's say
that something in the dynamics of your marriage has changed, but you can't
really describe it. Or do not feel comfortable with your partner as I used to.
Or you find yourself chronically upset, but you're not sure why. These are
often early signs that the reactions have become unhealthy or dysfunctional.
This does not mean that a person should take responsibility, but that the
relationship itself can be used exactly, and the therapist's office is often a
very useful place to start this process.
5. There's something you want your partner to know, but you can't tell.
Sometimes the beauty of treatment begins in the room itself:
it can become a safe and supportive place for you to bring things that are
difficult to talk about elsewhere. A well-trained coach with a warm presence
often helps you overcome your fears of sharing something with your partner.
6. One or both of you becomes dysfunctional during the conflict.
We know from John Gutman's research that how couples handle
conflict is one of the best predictors of whether their relationship will
begin. You or your partner may close, criticize, or become revengeful or
passive aggressive. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of dysfunctional ways
of dealing with conflict - which makes the original problem much worse.
7. You have gone through something destructive that changes the way you communicate with each other.
Sometimes, the harsh double blow of a setback in life is not
that the setback itself hurts, but also its effect on marriage or partnership.
Many couples go their separate way after a tragic child loss, for example. At
other times, it is long-term unemployment, a health crisis, or disturbance
within one of the partner's original families. You may not consider going to
couples counseling in the aftermath of something very large; after all, you
have enough to worry about as it is. But maintaining a strong bond in your
relationship can unite you and give you extra power to overcome the storm that
comes.
8. You feel stuck in bad patterns.
There is no limit to the number of patterns that partners
develop in everyday life, from how and when to eat and sleep (lack of sleep is
associated with marital problems), to the amount of time they spend away or
with others, to those who deal with different household chores, and how they
interact with each other's families. The pattern of unsatisfactory dysfunction
may be as simple as one spouse's always using the other like an acoustic panel
on work complaints, but don't bother to reciprocate without losing interest. Or
it may be deeper, such as the long-term division of housework that feels unfair
(or irritating). However, the longer the pattern, the more energy and time it
takes to change it. Better to start early.
9. Intimacy is over or diminished deeply.
It is almost vulgar for two partners to feel that the
“spark” is over after spending a decade or more together, and that they are
more roommates than their soulmates. Sometimes it is because grinding everyday
life is breaking the ability to communicate, which is simply a matter of
rearranging priorities. At other times, it may be more worthwhile and represent
two partners who have been quietly growing, changing in incompatible ways for a
long time, or even learning how to meet their needs elsewhere.
10. Physical intimacy is a problem.
Sexual problems can be a symptom and cause of relationshipproblems, which means it is often at the forefront of the couple's daily
complaints. Sometimes the change is obvious and frustrating - the couple moves
from repeated physical intimacy to almost nothing, which is annoying.
Sometimes, it is a gradual freeze from being sexually verified by each other to
barely satisfied. Sometimes there is a more open conflict, where one partner
expresses frustration, a partner is constantly rejected, or sex is used as a
bargaining tool. Whatever the problem, a skilled counselor can help you get
started.
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